It's 1:40pm on an overcast Monday afternoon in Tennessee. My throat is itchy, burning, and swallowing is mildly annoying. My head is pounding and I feel like crud in general, so I'm siting here watching Pet Semetary on Netflix and dreading heading out the door to go find a branch of my bank in this area. You see, a few weeks ago I packed up all of my junk and seized an opportunity to move to a new area and make a stab at building a new life, a better life. Late last night I began to think real hard about that decision.
I had family, friends, a beloved pet, and most of all an establish yet monotonous daily routine that didn't really require me to put much thought into my days, which by the way were so similar that I often didn't know what day it was. There was a comfort in that arrangement, a sense of security that wrapped me tight and made life easy. It sounds pretty good, and a lot of people would define what they really want out of life as that exact situation, safety, comfort, and security. However, it wasn't at all what it was cracked up to be. Let me elaborate.
I had family. I love my family very much, my tribe. Read up on Tribes here (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/finding-your-tribe_b_5224222.html) It is a quite frankly a fascinating subject, but tribes can have a dark side, and that is the side I want to talk about, particularly how it related to me. There was a powerful Facebook post, that I can't find, but I did find a page where someone posted it, so here it is. (https://skrikvirniks.wordpress.com/tag/tribal-shaming/) Anyway, as I stated at the beginning of this paragraph ( please forgive my train of thought version of blogging, I prefer to write what I feel) I love my family, always will, in each of their own ways they've gone to great lengths to care for me and help me along my path, but as much as I love them, they were holding me back, holding me back out of love.
The problem was that I didn't belong there and it took me a long time to figure that out. Out of my immediate family there were about three or four I actually shared any interests and/or life views with. So, I spent most of the days that blended together alone, doing my own thing, enjoying the things I enjoyed, and at times feeling guilty for not taking part in the activities of those I loved the most. I believe it is a classic misconception that family is supposed to share lifestyles and beliefs. It makes sense to some degree, you grow up around them, you learn from them, you pick up traits from them and some people are content or convinced ( depending on how you look at it) that its normal, or right. The truth is, there comes a time in our lives where we can either accept what we've been given, or we can decline it ( as ungrateful as it may seem to those you love) and forge your own path.
Today, I find myself slipping into a mindset that I under is 100% counter productive, and I know its because I feel bad. When I moved I had to leave my beloved cat Nyx behind, honestly I wouldn't have brought her anyway. She has a home, she's lived there for six years and anyone who has a cat knows they don't adjust to change well, in that sense I'm like a cat. Anyway, today as I feel like crud I find myself wanting to pet her, do that thing where I rub head with her and listen to her purr. I find myself wanting to curl up on the bed I slept on for ten years and curl into that familiar comfort. I find myself wanting to sit on the front porch and share silence with my father, and I have trouble reconciling that these things are just anchors, anchors that were binding me to what was essentially a dead end situation.
There were no jobs there. No room for growth. No future. The area itself is dying as the coal industry dies with it because the people who are in charge there never cared to come up with a plan for when the coal ran out, and they knew it was going to, they've known for years. I don't regret taking a shot, and I appreciate my friends for the help they've given me in that regard. I guess, what I'm trying to say, in a round about rambling way is, "Take a step back, separate yourself from the life you are living, and look at it in a broad scope. Is it the right life? Are you happy? Is this what you want to do with the rest of your life? Do the people who love you love you so much that they're standing in your way? Perhaps, it's time to change things, it may be a small thing, it may be a huge thing, but it may need to happen. It'll be terrifying, you'll be filled with doubt, and it might not work, but you owe it to yourself to try."
Alright, lets go find that bank.
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